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Saturday, April 5, 2008

Life...and death

Do you ever think about what will happen to those in your life after you die? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Not that I'm planning to check out any time soon, but I've been "sick" for a while and I feel like it's getting worse day by day. I don't know exactly what is making me ill, and I hope to find out at my appointment next week, but I know something is just not right. I'm exhausted 100% of the time, my hair is falling out, my brain is not functioning properly (I've been making way more mistakes than usual and tonight I even had trouble reading a story to my son), and now I have something in the back of my throat that feels like a lump. It's very painful to swallow and it just feels like "something" is there. It's definitely not just a sore throat you get when you are sick; this is different.

It would be quite ironic if I ended up with some type of cancer. I mean, Kathie (the person who calls herself my mom) spent 30 years drinking, smoking, and sitting out in the sun. I have done everything to keep myself healthy like staying out of the sun (except for those 3 months in the tanning booth before my wedding), I rarely drink, I've never inhaled anything (except the nasty second-hand smoke that smokers somehow think they're entitled to blow in my face), I eat pretty healthy, and I exercise regularly. So, I think it would be pretty unfair for me to get cancer instead of her. Not that I would wish the disease on anyone, and not saying that I even have it, but if I find out I do, I will be pretty bitter.

It's hard for me to think about my kids growing up without me. I know my husband would do an utterly stellar job raising them and I would rest easy knowing he is there for them. But it's hard for kids to have only one parent. I wish there was a way for people to communicate with those they love after they depart. If there was, I would talk to them all day, every day after I'm gone. I'd probably keep giving my husband a hard time from the grave as well. That's the only way he'll know it's actually me!

Life is funny. One minute, you're living like you have a hundred years to do everything and say everything you want. You take your time getting these things done because you think you can. But then one day, you fear that might not be the case and you finally realize there is some truth to the saying, "Live each day as if it were your last". This is where I think I am right now. Even though I really have no proof of anything and this may very well end up being something very simple and easy to fix, I still have this nagging feeling that I better start living...for real living. I want to be sure that no matter how this turns out, I have no regrets and everyone knows what I need them to know. It's not going to be easy, but then again, what in life really is?